I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
