At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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