I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
