Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
