I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
