yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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