70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize