How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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