She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
