what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
