12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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