Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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