omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Ladies don't puke and tell
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
