Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
