separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize