Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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