I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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