He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
