my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
