Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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