vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
