it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
