I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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