DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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