Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
