so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize