Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I have aggressive nipples.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
