am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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