I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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