i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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