I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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