So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
