Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He did a backflip because drugs
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
