Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
