you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
