I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
