i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
