The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
