Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
