So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We need to get me chipped asap
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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