Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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