you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
