Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
