i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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