I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
