so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
