Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
