sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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