I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
