i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
