It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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