just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
