Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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