it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
