Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Even my vagina gasped.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
