i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
