I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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