Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
