Im at strip club and am horny
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
