who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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