i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
