i love accidental penises.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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