Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
