I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
