paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize