tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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