the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
