I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
